Life up until now

I still wonder at night when I am falling asleep what it is I want to be when I grow up. I love my job - changing districts reinvigorated me and renewed my love of teaching. But I wonder what else there is for me.

I have problems identifying what I am good at. People tell me I should do this or that and I think about it for a while and maybe even investigate the possibility, but it fades away. I have no marketable skills other than being fluent in a second language. I can't even add in my head, I have no physical prowess, I lack rudimentary spacial relations skills and have no mechanical aptitude.

Even things I pursue as hobbies or interests tend to lose their luster quickly. I have tried everything and either not finished it or never took it up again. Examples: knitting, quilling, counted-cross stitching, organic gardening, etc.

Sometimes I feel like my whole life has been me feeling blase` about things in general.

I remember being a freshman in college, deciding on a major. My advisor said "What are you good at?" I had no answer. "What do you like to do?" I had no answer. "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Again, silence. These 3 questions have never really had clear, definitive answers for me.

Picture it: 1989, 6th grade. Christopher Rhodes Elementary School. 6th grade yearbook. Question: What do you want to be when you grow up? I think I originally wrote "tall" but rethought and put down something that sounded less flippant. Even at age 12, I was sarcastic and filled with a sense of disinterest. I can't remember what that yearbook said under my picture, but I know other people had definite ideas about their future and where they saw themselves. I never saw myself - I never visualized myself - doing any one particular thing.

There was a time in college when I was utterly despondent and miserable and I thought that maybe I couldn't visualize my future because I had none; I romanticized that the universe had made me incapable of fantasizing something that would never happen. I decided to devote my remaining time to pursuits that made me happy. I traveled a lot, spent a ton of money, and drank whatever would fit in a glass. It didn't make me happy, didn't fulfill me, but makes for some amusing anecdotes.

So when am I the happiest? How can I parlay that into a career goal? I like hearing a good story, I love office gossip. I like sorting through (other peoples') personal problems. I like analyzing the hidden meaning behind an exchanged glance. Other than making me the target demographic for LOST, I don't think these are job qualifications.

I like people. I laugh at their foibles. I get to meet 100 different people a year. I guess being a teacher was always my career destiny. Everyone told me as a kid that I should be a teacher. I said no to rebel.

So here I am, without an answer, but pretty sure I made the right choice nonetheless.

LOST blog

Oh how I loved to blog about LOST. Maybe someday I will put all of my old blogs here and relive the glory days when I didn't have a baby and I could spend over 2 hours watching a show and nitpicking it to death.

God's will

I am praying and hoping for miracles for my friend who is in the hospital and whose baby was born very early. What can we know about God's will? He answers our prayers, but not always with a "yes."

Life continues ever onward.

Renato can walk!

He had surgery December 29th and on the 31st he learned to walk. Now, When I gave birth to him on the 24th (of September 2008) it took me over 12 hours to get up and walk and i already knew how to do it! He amazes me. He heals so fast, he's like Claire from Heroes.

This boy is the absolute center of my universe.

Life in general

I have been thinking lately....I really want to have another baby. Like if there were one coming in 3 months, I'd be totally ready for it. But there is no such luck. Sigh.

Baby gear

I have so many friends who are expecting their first baby and I wish I could go with each of them to register for the nursery, but unfortunately, that doesn't really work with my schedule! If I had to make a "must have" list for a new baby, this is what would be on it (patterns and colors are up to you):

A swaddler. This is critically important during the first 3 months of the baby's life. They like to be swaddled and this thing won't come undone midway through the night.

An Itzbeen. Crucial for the sleep-deprived nursing mother and hapless dad during the first few days home from the hospital before you get a routine down. There's a reason this thing has won so many awards.

An activity mat. We used ours practically from the day we brought the boy home. He loved to watch the lights and listen to the music and by 2 months he seemed to be interacting with the toys. I was so sad to retire it at 7 months.

A newborn to toddler tub. The sling was great when he was all floppy-headed and we used the infant side of the tub until about 10 months. Now he's in the big boy tub!

A jumper of some sort. When the boy could hold his head upright on his own, he got to use the jumperoo.

White noise. We all know the 5 s's of newborn soothing and sound is one of them. (Swaddling, Shushing, Side positioning, Swinging and Sucking are the 5 s's which are explained here: http://www.colichelp.com/shop/happiestbabyontheblock.html ) We got a CD of white noise and put it on an iPod and play it for the boy all night. It really drowns out any sounds we might be making and as I listen to it on the monitor, I feel soothed. Which brings me to...

A monitor. We have one that vibrates so that C can put it in his hand when he's in charge and if the noise doesn't wake him the vibration will.

A sturdy mattress. Your kid's developing spine is not something to try to scrimp on! We got a good mattress, almost better than ours, because he's going to use it for years.

A convertible crib - goes from crib to toddler bed to twin size bed. I love our crib - it's beautiful and functional.

A breast pump. If you're going to nurse and go back to work at some point, you need a good pump. The pump will be with you all day every day so it's got to work well, look cute and not weigh a ton. Quiet helps too. I used my pump nearly every day for 9 straight months and I had no complaints and no regrets.

Milk storage. Once you've gotten that liquid gold out of your breasts, where will you keep it? This system is so convenient and small, it's like a filing cabinet for your milk.

A travel system. Car seat in the car - click. Car seat in the stroller - click. So easy, so matchy, so quick the baby might not even wake up.

A swing. YOU NEED THIS. Keeps your baby occupied and peaceful. We used one until he was too heavy for it.

A bouncer. It's a good place to put him down when he's a newborn and then a great distraction for about the length of time it takes you to take a shower. We used it every day for about 7 months and then he figured out how to crawl out of it.

An aquarium or mobile in the crib. The boy figured out how to turn his aquarium on and off, so he would keep himself entertained until we could get in his room to retrieve him.

A diaper pail. We have the original Diaper Genie, but the new one looks great too. They're not that expensive and the refills aren't either. His room almost never smells like poop. There are those rare occasions where only moving to another town would truly rid my nose of the lingering stink.

The "octogon." Once the baby is mobile, you need to rein him in! This play yard is useful indoors or out, keeps your baby safe from hazards and the boy uses the sides for standing up practice.

What to Expect the First Year. What to Expect was your bible when you were pregnant and it's not going to leave its place by your bedside for years to come!

FORGET:

Matchy-matchy bedding sets. They always include a comforter and a bumper, neither of which you can use before the kid's 2. Just invest in sheets and warm jammies before then.

Shoes for newborns are cute but useless and a pain in the neck.

Return to the store any clothes with fasteners so complex you can't do them one-handed and in the dark.

New job, new attitude

Flash back to April 2009.

I get called into my principal's office and he tells me that they have cut the Italian program and I am out of a job. Chaos ensues - I nearly have a nervous breakdown, the community rallies in support of Italians everywhere, the mayor discusses the situation on his podcast, the superintendent is bombarded with phone calls and emails from former students as far away as South Carolina.

May 2009

After the brouhaha, and the subsequent statement by the superintendent that no classroom positions would be cut, I am told that I can have my job back, for now.

June / July 2009

Posting on SchoolSpring that West Springfield has an opening for a full-time Italian teacher at the high school. I apply, they love me, I am hired.

Flash to this morning

I gave my 2-weeks' notice this morning and not 10 minutes thereafter, the gossips have started their surmising of why I left. Here's why:

I can't live every day in the spring wondering if I'm going to get a pink slip.

I need to have security that when I have a job, I will have that job.

So there it is. I am going to teach in West Springfield (go Terriers!) and I am going to be my own person. I am not going to have to worry that I am being compared to anyone else, I am not going to have to try to be anyone else. I can just be me and do my best work.